"Have you ever noticed that there are some people who do things which are most indelicate, and yet at the same time--beautiful?"
~Lucy Honeychurch from E.M Forester's A Room with a View
As evidenced by his use of evocative/elevated/hyperbolic(?!?!) diction, in Forester's novel, Lucy struggles to find her own identity and self expression within the confines of Edwardian social expectations....
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.
It's AP essay time and I really don't wanna write it (in class...tomorrow....)
Our teacher gave us a re-write because the first time around the essays were SO absolutely terrible (I didn't even cover a full page...) so I've gotta really step up my writing game tomorrow.
Maybe my writing wouldn't be so rough right now if I'd written all summer in formal-style and read the dictionary and a thesaurus for supplemental summer reading...
AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOH DAT!
I mean, I understand our teacher wanting to jumpstart the school year with a lovely challenge. And, in all honesty, I LOVE writing essays... and I LOVED reading A Room with a View. But the analytic side of my brain feels like it needs a few weeks to wake up. So this essay tomorrow should be JOYFUL.
But enough about the essays... about that quote.
Can there be beauty in indelicacy? Or does delicacy denote beauty?
I agree with Lucy Honeychurch.
Sometimes bluntness (social indelicacy) can be one of the most attractive features in a person...not always, and not in every situation, but on the occasion it can be so refreshing! And a real icebreaker. Sometimes you just need a little impropriety to wake up the room. (That's terrible, don't live your life by it, but enjoy the people who do)
And then, in another context, lots of people find imperfections the thing that makes you the most beautiful. (Yes, I realized that was an incredibly generalized statement...it was intended to be such.)
That little gap that makes a smile memorable...the way one eye is just a little bit more relaxed than the other...
But that's not in every case....sometimes things are just lumpy and disgusting and not beautiful at all.
Like pimples. And toe calluses.
But then again things can also be delicate and horrendous....delicately UGLY.
like shot needles. Or roaches....
And in yet another context, people make mistakes. People have flaws. And that's perfectly okay, because it's the imperfections that unite us, that "weave us together in one common thread" (as our school motto would say...thank you CSJ).
I'm not saying that we all hafta go and look for the flaws in others or point out our disfigurements, but instead of judging people for them, what if we just celebrated them for it?
If we didn't have flaws we wouldn't be different. IT's flawed DNA, afterall, that gives us our different alleles and genetic codes.
Chew on this: The human race was formed out of a mutation (just the connotations of that word make me all grossed out and think of disgusting lumps and bumps and inconsistencies). But it's true.
How's that for indelicate beauty?
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Thursday, August 15, 2013
What's the big idea?
So you might be slightly confused as to why, all of a sudden, my posts are a lot happier, less stressed, more relaxed than they have been.
Well, I've had a change of outlook. It's been coming for a while, but I decided that instead of wallowing in my anxieties and struggles that I should instead try to see them in a new light (okay so maybe the counselor helped me figure that out, too. So did my running coach...) Nevertheless, I'M TURNING OVER A NEW LEAF.
Yes, I still get anxious (it's been a solid 24 hours of this "new leafiness")
BUT I'm working on better coping with it.
GEtting back to my old self, my old outlook, yet with a more mature attitude toward things that matter, as well.
Sometimes though, you just have to relax. Stop and smell the roses. Take in a sunset and appreciate all the glory that God has created around instead of wallowing in self pity and getting hung up on all that is wrong and upsetting.
Yeah, no one's perfect and we all get doubtful and stressed and self absorbed. But ya know what? That DOES NOT mean we shouldn't try anyway.
This summer, my camp director said something to the other junior counselors and I that really stuck with me for a while, and then I forgot about it till recently (as recent as, say, theology class when it was my turn to lead prayer and I was wracking my brain for something inspiring).
DIG DEEP.
take it for what it means.
Dig deep into yourself, into your heart, into your mind, soul, yada yada each day to find your peace and your place. Don't forget yourself.
Dig deep when you struggle with adversity, to find that little bit of hope, that last bit of strength that would go unused so that you can overcome the struggle and complete the task at hand.
but also
D.I.I.G DEEP.
be deliberate with your actions, thoughts, words, expressions. Think before you speak, control doubtful or negative thoughts that you feel in your head, do everything with a purpose behind it. Seek out those people who get forgotten JUST for the deliberate purpose of bringing a smile to their face and a little joy into their life. EFFICIENCY AND KINDNESS PEOPLE!
be INTENTIONAL. What is your motivation? Basically the same thing as being deliberate, but just have a meaning behind your actions. Don't just go about life as it comes to you. As Ashton Kutcher says, "Build the life" you want to live instead of just living the life (I'm paraphrasing.. too lazy to actually look up the direct quote... even though I posted a link to it... whatever...)
seek inspiration. surround yourself with people who strive to live a similar life to you or those that live a life already that you WISH to live. Let their lives inspire you to make a unique life out of your own individuality coupled with a few things stolen from their own awesome characteristics to make you a better person. Take a moment to soak in the beauty of nature or read a poem or gaze at a painting or really reflect on a piece of reading for school. JUST SIT FOR A SECOND and breathe. You'll be amazed at the inner creativity that could awaken. How will you know if it's there if you aren't deliberately and intentionally seeking to be inspired??
GO FOR IT. The bible has had plenty to say about going... "Go forth and multiply"- as in make good use of those talents and gifts you were blessed with and multiply them for Christ by sharing them with others. LET YOUR LIGHT SHINE. "Go forth and proclaim the good news" -let others know about this new life you're living, this epiphany (in a non-annoying way, of course) so they can share in the love and magic as well! THE MORE THE MERRIER! But ya know what this also means? When you feel a deep, stirring desire pulling you toward something, and it's something good, why not take the chance? How will you get anywhere without taking a risk or two along the way?
So, I'll leave you withthat. It's time to get back to the essay I'm procrastinating from. Go forth and multiply the fruits of your labors and the talents you've been given, DIG DEEP into yourself and work towards truly discovering, truly knowing yourself. I'm gonna try it. WHATCHA GOT TO LOSE?
Well, I've had a change of outlook. It's been coming for a while, but I decided that instead of wallowing in my anxieties and struggles that I should instead try to see them in a new light (okay so maybe the counselor helped me figure that out, too. So did my running coach...) Nevertheless, I'M TURNING OVER A NEW LEAF.
Yes, I still get anxious (it's been a solid 24 hours of this "new leafiness")
BUT I'm working on better coping with it.
GEtting back to my old self, my old outlook, yet with a more mature attitude toward things that matter, as well.
Sometimes though, you just have to relax. Stop and smell the roses. Take in a sunset and appreciate all the glory that God has created around instead of wallowing in self pity and getting hung up on all that is wrong and upsetting.
Yeah, no one's perfect and we all get doubtful and stressed and self absorbed. But ya know what? That DOES NOT mean we shouldn't try anyway.
This summer, my camp director said something to the other junior counselors and I that really stuck with me for a while, and then I forgot about it till recently (as recent as, say, theology class when it was my turn to lead prayer and I was wracking my brain for something inspiring).
DIG DEEP.
take it for what it means.
Dig deep into yourself, into your heart, into your mind, soul, yada yada each day to find your peace and your place. Don't forget yourself.
Dig deep when you struggle with adversity, to find that little bit of hope, that last bit of strength that would go unused so that you can overcome the struggle and complete the task at hand.
but also
D.I.I.G DEEP.
be deliberate with your actions, thoughts, words, expressions. Think before you speak, control doubtful or negative thoughts that you feel in your head, do everything with a purpose behind it. Seek out those people who get forgotten JUST for the deliberate purpose of bringing a smile to their face and a little joy into their life. EFFICIENCY AND KINDNESS PEOPLE!
be INTENTIONAL. What is your motivation? Basically the same thing as being deliberate, but just have a meaning behind your actions. Don't just go about life as it comes to you. As Ashton Kutcher says, "Build the life" you want to live instead of just living the life (I'm paraphrasing.. too lazy to actually look up the direct quote... even though I posted a link to it... whatever...)
seek inspiration. surround yourself with people who strive to live a similar life to you or those that live a life already that you WISH to live. Let their lives inspire you to make a unique life out of your own individuality coupled with a few things stolen from their own awesome characteristics to make you a better person. Take a moment to soak in the beauty of nature or read a poem or gaze at a painting or really reflect on a piece of reading for school. JUST SIT FOR A SECOND and breathe. You'll be amazed at the inner creativity that could awaken. How will you know if it's there if you aren't deliberately and intentionally seeking to be inspired??
GO FOR IT. The bible has had plenty to say about going... "Go forth and multiply"- as in make good use of those talents and gifts you were blessed with and multiply them for Christ by sharing them with others. LET YOUR LIGHT SHINE. "Go forth and proclaim the good news" -let others know about this new life you're living, this epiphany (in a non-annoying way, of course) so they can share in the love and magic as well! THE MORE THE MERRIER! But ya know what this also means? When you feel a deep, stirring desire pulling you toward something, and it's something good, why not take the chance? How will you get anywhere without taking a risk or two along the way?
So, I'll leave you withthat. It's time to get back to the essay I'm procrastinating from. Go forth and multiply the fruits of your labors and the talents you've been given, DIG DEEP into yourself and work towards truly discovering, truly knowing yourself. I'm gonna try it. WHATCHA GOT TO LOSE?
Life's like writing an essay...
Life is like writing
an essay. You learn to adapt and respond to the prompt given, fail sometimes,
but most of the time you pass just fine.
3 things:
3 most important things to remember and live each day by:
HERE HERE HERE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zuBSRC1zpHw&feature=youtu.be
- Opportunities look a lot like work
- Sexiest thing in the entire world is being smart, thoughtful, and generous
- build your life, don't just live one
HERE HERE HERE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zuBSRC1zpHw&feature=youtu.be
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
it's back
it's that time of year again.... SCHOOL TIME!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I was really excited for school to start at first, but now, I'm just wishing I still had a little bit more summer!
Even a week more would have been nice..these shorter summers are just not so great for relaxation!
But Monday was our first day of school and LAWD was it an interesting day...
I got my schedule wrong on the first day and showed up to second period about 5 minutes late, then went to what I THOUGHT was my next period, sat in a PE class for 15 minutes and then I realized it was the wrong class. So like the mature senior I am (CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S SENIOR YEAR!) I picked up my bags and trudged the LONG way to the convent for theology.
Fortunately my teacher was very understanding; the class, however, thought it was hilarious (many of the girls were in multiple classes and had seen me running late for everything).
So as if THAT wasn't eventful enough, I had another breakdown at cross country.
AKA breakdown number 7 in 10 days... yeah Dree!
I really don't know what's wrong with me, but I was just running and all of the things I've been getting worked up about (mom, family, college, school, friends, life) just came flooding, like what's been happening, and the gates couldn't hold back so I cracked. And scared my coach, the trainer, and my teammates half to death. It was so embarassing.
Fortunately, we just had an easy long run, so I skipped most of the run to compose myself and then re-approached practice to do core, body weights, stretches, plyometrics, and strides with the team.
IT WAS GREAT!!!
I legitimately enjoy working out, so I had a swell time (which I'm still paying for with sore shoulders/chest/everything) but YOLO it was worth it.
In all seriousness, I really need to get to the bottom of my anxiety issue.
This is starting to become a problem. And I'm not a person who gets overly anxious easily.
Basically, lately, I just shake all the time. Not visibly, but on the inside.
I can't talk to anyone about what stresses me out without crying, and I've gone to our school counselor, talked to my coach, talked to the sports trainer, and all of them want me to talk to my parents about it but the problem is that I don't have time. Or I'm too tired. Or too scared of what they'll say or how it will hurt them to hear that they're partially the cause of it. Maybe I'm just making excuses...
What's been going on:
So lately my mom's rheumatoid arthritis has been getting worse and spreading or becoming more inflamed in areas where it used to not be quite as bad. She's a busy mom, with a lot of housework to take on (laundry alone is enough to drive ya crazy!) and with all the pain lately it's been wearing her down. Most days, you can't tell anything's wrong with her other than a slight limp, on bad days, a very pronounced one, but lately the bad days have been happening more and more often. And then she'll grimmace. It is one of the most heartbreaking images to see your mom's face contort in pain, knowing that she, who is already very tough, is experiencing a lot of misery. I pray so hard for God to relieve her of her pain or give her more grace to deal with it, and I pray that He rewards her for all the years she's struggled with this. It breaks my heart to watch her suffer and to know that she's got to grapple with the thought that this pain won't ever leave. Pain is such a depressing force on its own, but knowing that it won't ever be relieved just hurts even more.
Naturally, seeing her hurt, I try to take on more of the work. And it's been going well, for a while, until lately I've started feeling guilty when I'm NOT helping her or doing something productive. I've started to get so worn out with basically being the mom. I've been planning/shopping for/cooking dinners, moving laundry, cleaning rooms, etc, picking up or dropping off siblings at various practices, managing carpools, assisting them with projects or whatever questions they have. I've been doing that all while trying to balance life with my friends, and my own general jobs and things that I need to get done in a day/week.
I'm a senior, so I've gotta worry about college applications, essays, scholarships, varsity cross country, student counsel, an all honors/AP schedule, and just general stresses of being at a competitive school.
I don't know what school I want to go to, nor do I have time to visit one, because of cross country in the fall and basically it would be pointless to visit in the spring because hopefully I'll have all my applications in by then and have a decision or two.
With cross country, this is my 4th year on the varsity team and I'm the only returning varsity senior, so I have some large shoes to fill. The other seniors on the team have not made it a secret that they disagree/are uninterested in any of my opinions regarding the team, so I'm a bit nervous about captain elections. I've always wanted to be team captain but I'll be okay if I don't get it. I'm just scared of the way our team vibe will go. I've always had a close friend group on the team with me- running buddies- who I can goof off with and work hard and help motivate as well, and that's worked to keep the stresses other athletes face away. But now all of them graduated, and I just feel so alone sometimes. I can't help it; I've grown closer to some of the younger classwomen, but sometimes you just need someone your age, going through similar struggles, to talk to and unload to. And I've got no one. Plus since none of my close friends run cross country, they've got all this freedom to do so many other things after school and on the weekends that I've started to feel distant from my own friends. I try to be withthem as much as possible, but cross country commitments are unavoidable. My dad told me quitting is an option, but I'm no quitter. This is the one thing I've stuck with for 10 years and I'm not about to give up on it my senior year. This team has the potential to go all the way to the podium at state, and I plan to be a contributing member of that success. The past 2 years I've been sidelined for most of the seasons with various injuries and have been unable to fully train and get to my maximum potential as a runner. This season, dauntingly enough, there's a freshman phenom on our team and I'm so excited to finally be pushed to my limits in every workout, running drill, and stride. It's great.That's my main reason for sticking with cross country still. Just to say I did. Because I have been quite miserable at these practices, trying to connect to other girls and join into conversations and such that I know don't really involve me, but I can't just be alone all the time! I need connection. I thrive on socializing and laughter, and cross country used to be that outlet for me. I've just got to work to find that joy in it again.
And then there's whether or not I'll even qualify for the schools I want to go to.. I've had so many interests over the years because I enjoy doing so much and really living as fully and gathering as many experiences as possible, that I'm afraid I won't be seen as consistent or extremely devoted to one particular thing...
Of course, grades are another issue. Over my years at school I've taken hard classes and always managed to have no less than a 3.7, averaging at about a 3.85 GPA unweighted and a 4.35 weighted, but I'm scared that a GPA like that isn't good ENOUGH for the colleges I want to go to or the scholarships that I need if I'm to go out of state. My ACT score (31, twice, superscored at a 32) isn't so stellar either.
I just feel like nothing is going to set me apart ENOUGH for me to get the good scholarships and go to the schools I would like to go to.
Not that our local college is bad; I just want to explore other horizons, open my mind to new experiences and an unfamiliar atmosphere where I can grow and develop and learn about myself without so much of a safety net. To really push myself to my limits and thrive in an environment slightly disconnected from the familiarity I've always known.
Going away opens another doubt, though, about my family. I don't want to be that older sister who was never there. I want to be a present figure in my siblings' lives, to share their struggles with them and help them through whatever hardships they face. I know it would, on another hand, be beneficial to them for me to go away because I feel as though they see me as their crutch sometimes because I want them to excel and sometimes over-help them in order to accomplish that.
And then there's my friends... I miss them... but I don't have time to hang out with them or relax EVER.
Maybe my issue is that I never have any downtime and try to finish everything and fill my days with activities and helping mom. I just feel so overloaded, so run down, and I know I need rest, I just never have the TIME to actually obtain any rest at all. It's a vicious cycle that's worn me down until now I just feel like a shell of myself throughout the day.
I see my friends and they're seemingly so carefree. I know that everyone has their issues and struggles, stresses and circumstances, and I know that I'm TOTES throwing myself a pity party, but I can't stop that feeling. I don't know how to work through it.
I had a really bad breakdown on my run the other day and my neighbor saw me, came pick me up, and we sat in her car and talked and prayed and cried together and I have never felt as much relief. Talking to those other people didn't do so much for me because I didn't want to tell them the full story, but sometimes there's one person you know you can trust, and that is Mrs. Kathleen.
So she and I have been meeting and working on a chore chart to set up at home since part of my anxiety is how overwhelmed I am with the amount of housework I have/want to take on so my mom doesn't have to. It's not the chore chart that's such a help so much as the fact that someone has taken the time to listen. To notice that behind the mask I work so hard to put up that I'm breaking on the inside. I think that this is really going to help me overcome these stresses and anxieties! I NEED IT TO! I am becoming such a frazzled, jumpy, shadow of my old self that other people are starting to notice. Self confidence? I've got about none right now. School work? I can't focus on it. I don't know how to really even function, I'm JUST SO WORN OUT and shaking internally all the time. I can't calm down, I don't feel rested in my sleep.
But after my talks with Mrs. Kathleen, I feel just a little bit better. I feel a little more of that anxiety go away. And I think that Im moving in the right direction with it all. I know these things take time to heal, and hopefully I can do it without any medication, but I trust that God will deliver his healing touch in my life. Now to just stop crying long enough to let it happen.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I was really excited for school to start at first, but now, I'm just wishing I still had a little bit more summer!
Even a week more would have been nice..these shorter summers are just not so great for relaxation!
But Monday was our first day of school and LAWD was it an interesting day...
I got my schedule wrong on the first day and showed up to second period about 5 minutes late, then went to what I THOUGHT was my next period, sat in a PE class for 15 minutes and then I realized it was the wrong class. So like the mature senior I am (CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S SENIOR YEAR!) I picked up my bags and trudged the LONG way to the convent for theology.
Fortunately my teacher was very understanding; the class, however, thought it was hilarious (many of the girls were in multiple classes and had seen me running late for everything).
So as if THAT wasn't eventful enough, I had another breakdown at cross country.
AKA breakdown number 7 in 10 days... yeah Dree!
I really don't know what's wrong with me, but I was just running and all of the things I've been getting worked up about (mom, family, college, school, friends, life) just came flooding, like what's been happening, and the gates couldn't hold back so I cracked. And scared my coach, the trainer, and my teammates half to death. It was so embarassing.
Fortunately, we just had an easy long run, so I skipped most of the run to compose myself and then re-approached practice to do core, body weights, stretches, plyometrics, and strides with the team.
IT WAS GREAT!!!
I legitimately enjoy working out, so I had a swell time (which I'm still paying for with sore shoulders/chest/everything) but YOLO it was worth it.
In all seriousness, I really need to get to the bottom of my anxiety issue.
This is starting to become a problem. And I'm not a person who gets overly anxious easily.
Basically, lately, I just shake all the time. Not visibly, but on the inside.
I can't talk to anyone about what stresses me out without crying, and I've gone to our school counselor, talked to my coach, talked to the sports trainer, and all of them want me to talk to my parents about it but the problem is that I don't have time. Or I'm too tired. Or too scared of what they'll say or how it will hurt them to hear that they're partially the cause of it. Maybe I'm just making excuses...
What's been going on:
So lately my mom's rheumatoid arthritis has been getting worse and spreading or becoming more inflamed in areas where it used to not be quite as bad. She's a busy mom, with a lot of housework to take on (laundry alone is enough to drive ya crazy!) and with all the pain lately it's been wearing her down. Most days, you can't tell anything's wrong with her other than a slight limp, on bad days, a very pronounced one, but lately the bad days have been happening more and more often. And then she'll grimmace. It is one of the most heartbreaking images to see your mom's face contort in pain, knowing that she, who is already very tough, is experiencing a lot of misery. I pray so hard for God to relieve her of her pain or give her more grace to deal with it, and I pray that He rewards her for all the years she's struggled with this. It breaks my heart to watch her suffer and to know that she's got to grapple with the thought that this pain won't ever leave. Pain is such a depressing force on its own, but knowing that it won't ever be relieved just hurts even more.
Naturally, seeing her hurt, I try to take on more of the work. And it's been going well, for a while, until lately I've started feeling guilty when I'm NOT helping her or doing something productive. I've started to get so worn out with basically being the mom. I've been planning/shopping for/cooking dinners, moving laundry, cleaning rooms, etc, picking up or dropping off siblings at various practices, managing carpools, assisting them with projects or whatever questions they have. I've been doing that all while trying to balance life with my friends, and my own general jobs and things that I need to get done in a day/week.
I'm a senior, so I've gotta worry about college applications, essays, scholarships, varsity cross country, student counsel, an all honors/AP schedule, and just general stresses of being at a competitive school.
I don't know what school I want to go to, nor do I have time to visit one, because of cross country in the fall and basically it would be pointless to visit in the spring because hopefully I'll have all my applications in by then and have a decision or two.
With cross country, this is my 4th year on the varsity team and I'm the only returning varsity senior, so I have some large shoes to fill. The other seniors on the team have not made it a secret that they disagree/are uninterested in any of my opinions regarding the team, so I'm a bit nervous about captain elections. I've always wanted to be team captain but I'll be okay if I don't get it. I'm just scared of the way our team vibe will go. I've always had a close friend group on the team with me- running buddies- who I can goof off with and work hard and help motivate as well, and that's worked to keep the stresses other athletes face away. But now all of them graduated, and I just feel so alone sometimes. I can't help it; I've grown closer to some of the younger classwomen, but sometimes you just need someone your age, going through similar struggles, to talk to and unload to. And I've got no one. Plus since none of my close friends run cross country, they've got all this freedom to do so many other things after school and on the weekends that I've started to feel distant from my own friends. I try to be withthem as much as possible, but cross country commitments are unavoidable. My dad told me quitting is an option, but I'm no quitter. This is the one thing I've stuck with for 10 years and I'm not about to give up on it my senior year. This team has the potential to go all the way to the podium at state, and I plan to be a contributing member of that success. The past 2 years I've been sidelined for most of the seasons with various injuries and have been unable to fully train and get to my maximum potential as a runner. This season, dauntingly enough, there's a freshman phenom on our team and I'm so excited to finally be pushed to my limits in every workout, running drill, and stride. It's great.That's my main reason for sticking with cross country still. Just to say I did. Because I have been quite miserable at these practices, trying to connect to other girls and join into conversations and such that I know don't really involve me, but I can't just be alone all the time! I need connection. I thrive on socializing and laughter, and cross country used to be that outlet for me. I've just got to work to find that joy in it again.
And then there's whether or not I'll even qualify for the schools I want to go to.. I've had so many interests over the years because I enjoy doing so much and really living as fully and gathering as many experiences as possible, that I'm afraid I won't be seen as consistent or extremely devoted to one particular thing...
Of course, grades are another issue. Over my years at school I've taken hard classes and always managed to have no less than a 3.7, averaging at about a 3.85 GPA unweighted and a 4.35 weighted, but I'm scared that a GPA like that isn't good ENOUGH for the colleges I want to go to or the scholarships that I need if I'm to go out of state. My ACT score (31, twice, superscored at a 32) isn't so stellar either.
I just feel like nothing is going to set me apart ENOUGH for me to get the good scholarships and go to the schools I would like to go to.
Not that our local college is bad; I just want to explore other horizons, open my mind to new experiences and an unfamiliar atmosphere where I can grow and develop and learn about myself without so much of a safety net. To really push myself to my limits and thrive in an environment slightly disconnected from the familiarity I've always known.
Going away opens another doubt, though, about my family. I don't want to be that older sister who was never there. I want to be a present figure in my siblings' lives, to share their struggles with them and help them through whatever hardships they face. I know it would, on another hand, be beneficial to them for me to go away because I feel as though they see me as their crutch sometimes because I want them to excel and sometimes over-help them in order to accomplish that.
And then there's my friends... I miss them... but I don't have time to hang out with them or relax EVER.
Maybe my issue is that I never have any downtime and try to finish everything and fill my days with activities and helping mom. I just feel so overloaded, so run down, and I know I need rest, I just never have the TIME to actually obtain any rest at all. It's a vicious cycle that's worn me down until now I just feel like a shell of myself throughout the day.
I see my friends and they're seemingly so carefree. I know that everyone has their issues and struggles, stresses and circumstances, and I know that I'm TOTES throwing myself a pity party, but I can't stop that feeling. I don't know how to work through it.
I had a really bad breakdown on my run the other day and my neighbor saw me, came pick me up, and we sat in her car and talked and prayed and cried together and I have never felt as much relief. Talking to those other people didn't do so much for me because I didn't want to tell them the full story, but sometimes there's one person you know you can trust, and that is Mrs. Kathleen.
So she and I have been meeting and working on a chore chart to set up at home since part of my anxiety is how overwhelmed I am with the amount of housework I have/want to take on so my mom doesn't have to. It's not the chore chart that's such a help so much as the fact that someone has taken the time to listen. To notice that behind the mask I work so hard to put up that I'm breaking on the inside. I think that this is really going to help me overcome these stresses and anxieties! I NEED IT TO! I am becoming such a frazzled, jumpy, shadow of my old self that other people are starting to notice. Self confidence? I've got about none right now. School work? I can't focus on it. I don't know how to really even function, I'm JUST SO WORN OUT and shaking internally all the time. I can't calm down, I don't feel rested in my sleep.
But after my talks with Mrs. Kathleen, I feel just a little bit better. I feel a little more of that anxiety go away. And I think that Im moving in the right direction with it all. I know these things take time to heal, and hopefully I can do it without any medication, but I trust that God will deliver his healing touch in my life. Now to just stop crying long enough to let it happen.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
I just don't get it
I really don't understand when I started changing, but ya know what? Shit happens. Even change. WE just have to live with it and take it with grace. I know that's much easier said than done, but it's the truth.
I used to be able to take change and run with it.And yeah, I still can to an extent...but I've realized that certain changes actually give me anxiety. They freak me out a little.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!
like maybe I need to have a drink, smoke a little weed or something (those guys always seem so mellow). Kidding, drugs are bad and unnecessary.
I used to never stress or get anxious about anything. ANYTHING. ever.
And I prided myself on it. Easygoing, go-with the flow, always up for anything...THAT WAS ME BABYY
and I DEFINITELY strive to still be that way.
But I have to be honest with myself.I had an anxiety attack today.
In my workout, I thought I was having an asthma attack: couldn't breath, seeing spots. airways really constricted, etc. But my stomach was extremely tight too and then I started feeling all emotional and my chest was really tightening up.
Got over that and finished the workout, no worse for the wear other than a little bruised pride.
Until I got home, told my mom what had happened, and all of a sudden couldn't get my breath and words out, my voice became husky and choked and my chest tightened up and I just felt really emotional and upset. It was the strangest thing. Thank goodness my mom was right there to see what was going on instead of me trying to (inadequately) explain to her what was going on.
And then she and I started talking, and she helped me realize that my "weird feelings in my stomach and uncharacteristic overflow of emotion" was an anxiety attack. And that (ironically) made me feel so much better. Then, I decided (okay my mom kinda told me because she's a mom) that I needed some sort of release. What better than this?! I've been trying to kinda edit my posts, keep them strictly adventurous, etcc almost story-like, but that's just not what I need this for. I need a way to release everything that's building up. I'm going to start yoga, and I already play piano and guitar, but words just have a way for me of making everything make sense.
I apologize in advance for weird events, bad writing, strange poetry, and anything that occurs after this point. Simultaneously, I take back that apology because everyone needs an outlet and this is mine.
So I've come to realize there are lots of things causing me anxiety. So I'm going to talk myself through all of them. Actually, really what I'm doing is throwing myself a pity party.
PROCEED TO READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. IT MIGHT NOT MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL.
I warned you.
Cross Country:
This is the first time in a few years that I've really not had any close friends/running buds on the team. The seniors who just graduated were my absolute best friends who I've been running with for the last 10 years of my life, so it's a bit of an adjustment and quite the undertaking to wrap my head around the fact that they're really done with running. They've closed a book that I'm still writing in, and it's hard to continue without them. It's not that I don't talk to the other girls on the team (what kinda senior would I be if I was so aloof like that..) it's just..................
I've come really close to quitting the team this year, just because of the other seniors who are on it now. We've never really connected, and I'm really trying hard, but I just feel left out or that they don't really want my input...apparently some of them hate me too because I run varsity. Cool. Makes me feel really welcome and accepted.
And then comes the guilt. Part of me feels guilty
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!
like maybe I need to have a drink, smoke a little weed or something (those guys always seem so mellow). Kidding, drugs are bad and unnecessary.
I used to never stress or get anxious about anything. ANYTHING. ever.
And I prided myself on it. Easygoing, go-with the flow, always up for anything...THAT WAS ME BABYY
and I DEFINITELY strive to still be that way.
But I have to be honest with myself.I had an anxiety attack today.
In my workout, I thought I was having an asthma attack: couldn't breath, seeing spots. airways really constricted, etc. But my stomach was extremely tight too and then I started feeling all emotional and my chest was really tightening up.
Got over that and finished the workout, no worse for the wear other than a little bruised pride.
Until I got home, told my mom what had happened, and all of a sudden couldn't get my breath and words out, my voice became husky and choked and my chest tightened up and I just felt really emotional and upset. It was the strangest thing. Thank goodness my mom was right there to see what was going on instead of me trying to (inadequately) explain to her what was going on.
And then she and I started talking, and she helped me realize that my "weird feelings in my stomach and uncharacteristic overflow of emotion" was an anxiety attack. And that (ironically) made me feel so much better. Then, I decided (okay my mom kinda told me because she's a mom) that I needed some sort of release. What better than this?! I've been trying to kinda edit my posts, keep them strictly adventurous, etcc almost story-like, but that's just not what I need this for. I need a way to release everything that's building up. I'm going to start yoga, and I already play piano and guitar, but words just have a way for me of making everything make sense.
I apologize in advance for weird events, bad writing, strange poetry, and anything that occurs after this point. Simultaneously, I take back that apology because everyone needs an outlet and this is mine.
So I've come to realize there are lots of things causing me anxiety. So I'm going to talk myself through all of them. Actually, really what I'm doing is throwing myself a pity party.
PROCEED TO READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. IT MIGHT NOT MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL.
I warned you.
Cross Country:
This is the first time in a few years that I've really not had any close friends/running buds on the team. The seniors who just graduated were my absolute best friends who I've been running with for the last 10 years of my life, so it's a bit of an adjustment and quite the undertaking to wrap my head around the fact that they're really done with running. They've closed a book that I'm still writing in, and it's hard to continue without them. It's not that I don't talk to the other girls on the team (what kinda senior would I be if I was so aloof like that..) it's just..................
I've come really close to quitting the team this year, just because of the other seniors who are on it now. We've never really connected, and I'm really trying hard, but I just feel left out or that they don't really want my input...apparently some of them hate me too because I run varsity. Cool. Makes me feel really welcome and accepted.
And then comes the guilt. Part of me feels guilty
- for having doubts about doing the team and not connecting well with them
- for doing the team instead of being present for my mom and science fair people
- for needing new running shoes and having to ask my parents for $ for team membership dues
- for having this anxiety in the 1st place that's messing up my workouts
And I KNOW I shouldn't feel guilty. Running is my passion...I can't live without it. I love the sport, our coach, our team in general...ugh. I just don't know what's going on with me right now. I am just so conflicted about it constantly. Every practice...
Colleges/THE FUTURE:
I seriously have no idea what I want to do with my life.
I wanna be a mom. I want to help people in a job that has creativity, interaction with others, an active pace. Something that I can be successful and a leader in. Something that I can use my faith to influence others (even if in small ways).
But hey I'd also like to end world hunger and poverty, starting small and local and working my way internationally with work....the problem is I have no money to do that. So I've gotta come up with a job that can help with it.
I just don't exactly know what that is.
I thought about majoring in nutrition/dietitian or landscape architecture.
Those fields are all creative based fields where I could go out on my own and take them in MANY directions. So I pretty much know it's a toss up between those two..
But then sometimes part of me wants to be a journalist and write..........
Then when it comes to GOING to a college...whole new ballgame!
I really would like to go out of state, but then again, I wanna stay close to home to see the siblings and watch them grow.
But then again, to go out of state, I have to basically get a full ride, and I don't know HOW I'm gonna do that. Where there's a will, there's a way, the saying goes, but I'm gonna forget about the sayings and just trust God on this one. If I put in the work, he'll help me reap the rewards and guide me to where I'm meant to be.
Those are just 2 things bothering me lately.... more later. It's WAY PAST my bedtime! Goodnight(:
It's time.
it's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger but then, I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
now don't you understand
that I'm never changing who I am
~Imagine Dragons
Senior year.
HOLY SH!T I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S ALREADY HERE!!!!!
I feel like a freshman still.. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN??
There's so many things to do.. applications, parties, classes, scholarships, running, leading, working, being... Not gonna lie, it's been EXTREMELY overwhelming to THINK about. And the year hasn't started. Cool. Thanks, God. This is supposed to be the best year of my life, but right about now it's feeling like hands down, this is going to be my busiest year yet. There's never any downtime... or rather, there never should be.
BUT THIS YEAR
I'm also beginning a new thing.
Maybe you've heard of it.... it's called TIME MANAGEMENT AND ORGANIZATION.
Wow, I feel old already.
I'm gonna plan out my days, write down my assignments, deadlines, etcc ahead of time.
I'm buying one of those little desk calendars that sits on top of your desk and you can write on.
And I'm gonna write on it. Oh yes, this shall be good.
It's just a goal, of course...
Whether or not my vision of my extreme organization becomes 100% visualized is not the point.
I'm going to do my best, though, and by George, I know I'll succeed at least a little bit because I HAVE CON-FI-DENCE IN MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (I'm just really feelin' the music tonight..)
But, because of this organization, I'm DETERMINED not only to be organized and on top of my stuff, but to find appropriate time to rest, be present in my family, and just enjoy my year. To truly relax and forget about all the stresses. Because THAT'S more what senior year is about. Growing and discovering more about myself- talents, limits, quirks, and habits- and beginning to really form myself as a daughter for Christ and an active adult WHILE also having the time of my life with my crazy friends and these girls I've been blessed to spend 3 (soon to be 4) fabulous years.
I cannot wait for this new chapter to truly unfold.
This orientation tomorrow is step 1. So, Senior Year, ready or not, HERE I COME.
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