it's back

it's that time of year again.... SCHOOL TIME!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I was really excited for school to start at first, but now, I'm just wishing I still had a little bit more summer!
Even a week more would have been nice..these shorter summers are just not so great for relaxation!

But Monday was our first day of school and LAWD was it an interesting day...
I got my schedule wrong on the first day and showed up to second period about 5 minutes late, then went to what I THOUGHT was my next period, sat in a PE class for 15 minutes and then I realized it was the wrong class. So like the mature senior I am (CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S SENIOR YEAR!) I picked up my bags and trudged the LONG way to the convent for theology.
Fortunately my teacher was very understanding; the class, however, thought it was hilarious (many of the girls were in multiple classes and had seen me running late for everything).
So as if THAT wasn't eventful enough, I had another breakdown at cross country.

AKA breakdown number 7 in 10 days... yeah Dree!
I really don't know what's wrong with me, but I was just running and all of the things I've been getting worked up about (mom, family, college, school, friends, life) just came flooding, like what's been happening, and the gates couldn't hold back so I cracked. And scared my coach, the trainer, and my teammates half to death. It was so embarassing.

Fortunately, we just had an easy long run, so I skipped most of the run to compose myself and then re-approached practice to do core, body weights, stretches, plyometrics, and strides with the team.
IT WAS GREAT!!!
I legitimately enjoy working out, so I had a swell time (which I'm still paying for with sore shoulders/chest/everything) but YOLO it was worth it.

In all seriousness, I really need to get to the bottom of my anxiety issue.
This is starting to become a problem. And I'm not a person who gets overly anxious easily.
Basically, lately, I just shake all the time. Not visibly, but on the inside.
I can't talk to anyone about what stresses me out without crying, and I've gone to our school counselor, talked to my coach, talked to the sports trainer, and all of them want me to talk to my parents about it but the problem is that I don't have time. Or I'm too tired. Or too scared of what they'll say or how it will hurt them to hear that they're partially the cause of it. Maybe I'm just making excuses...

What's been going on:
So lately my mom's rheumatoid arthritis has been getting worse and spreading or becoming more inflamed in areas where it used to not be quite as bad. She's a busy mom, with a lot of housework to take on (laundry alone is enough to drive ya crazy!) and with all the pain lately it's been wearing her down. Most days, you can't tell anything's wrong with her other than a slight limp, on bad days, a very pronounced one, but lately the bad days have been happening more and more often. And then she'll grimmace. It is one of the most heartbreaking images to see your mom's face contort in pain, knowing that she, who is already very tough, is experiencing a lot of misery. I pray so hard for God to relieve her of her pain or give her more grace to deal with it, and I pray that He rewards her for all the years she's struggled with this. It breaks my heart to watch her suffer and to know that she's got to grapple with the thought that this pain won't ever leave. Pain is such a depressing force on its own, but knowing that it won't ever be relieved just hurts even more.
Naturally, seeing her hurt, I try to take on more of the work. And it's been going well, for a while, until lately I've started feeling guilty when I'm NOT helping her or doing something productive. I've started to get so worn out with basically being the mom. I've been planning/shopping for/cooking dinners, moving laundry, cleaning rooms, etc, picking up or dropping off siblings at various practices, managing carpools, assisting them with projects or whatever questions they have. I've been doing that all while trying to balance life with my friends, and my own general jobs and things that I need to get done in a day/week.
I'm a senior, so I've gotta worry about college applications, essays, scholarships, varsity cross country, student counsel, an all honors/AP schedule, and just general stresses of being at a competitive school.
I don't know what school I want to go to, nor do I have time to visit one, because of cross country in the fall and basically it would be pointless to visit in the spring because hopefully I'll have all my applications in by then and have a decision or two.
With cross country, this is my 4th year on the varsity team and I'm the only returning varsity senior, so I have some large shoes to fill. The other seniors on the team have not made it a secret that they disagree/are uninterested in any of my opinions regarding the team, so I'm a bit nervous about captain elections. I've always wanted to be team captain but I'll be okay if I don't get it. I'm just scared of the way our team vibe will go. I've always had a close friend group on the team with me- running buddies- who I can goof off with and work hard and help motivate as well, and that's worked to keep the stresses other athletes face away. But now all of them graduated, and I just feel so alone sometimes. I can't help it; I've grown closer to some of the younger classwomen, but sometimes you just need someone your age, going through similar struggles, to talk to and unload to. And I've got no one. Plus since none of my close friends run cross country, they've got all this freedom to do so many other things after school and on the weekends that I've started to feel distant from my own friends. I try to be withthem as much as possible, but cross country commitments are unavoidable. My dad told me quitting is an option, but I'm no quitter. This is the one thing I've stuck with for 10 years and I'm not about to give up on it my senior year. This team has the potential to go all the way to the podium at state, and I plan to be a contributing member of that success. The past 2 years I've been sidelined for most of the seasons with various injuries and have been unable to fully train and get to my maximum potential as a runner. This season, dauntingly enough, there's a freshman phenom on our team and I'm so excited to finally be pushed to my limits in every workout, running drill, and stride. It's great.That's my main reason for sticking with cross country still. Just to say I did. Because I have been quite miserable at these practices, trying to connect to other girls and join into conversations and such that I know don't really involve me, but I can't just be alone all the time! I need connection. I thrive on socializing and laughter, and cross country used to be that outlet for me. I've just got to work to find that joy in it again.
And then there's whether or not I'll even qualify for the schools I want to go to.. I've had so many interests over the years because I enjoy doing so much and really living as fully and gathering as many experiences as possible, that I'm afraid I won't be seen as consistent or extremely devoted to one particular thing...
Of course, grades are another issue. Over my years at school I've taken hard classes and always managed to have no less than a 3.7, averaging at about a 3.85 GPA unweighted and a 4.35 weighted, but I'm scared that a GPA like that isn't good ENOUGH for the colleges I want to go to or the scholarships that I need if I'm to go out of state. My ACT score (31, twice, superscored at a 32) isn't so stellar either.
I just feel like nothing is going to set me apart ENOUGH for me to get the good scholarships and go to the schools I would like to go to.
Not that our local college is bad; I just want to explore other horizons, open my mind to new experiences and an unfamiliar atmosphere where I can grow and develop and learn about myself without so much of a safety net. To really push myself to my limits and thrive in an environment slightly disconnected from the familiarity I've always known.
Going away opens another doubt, though, about my family. I don't want to be that older sister who was never there. I want to be a present figure in my siblings' lives, to share their struggles with them and help them through whatever hardships they face. I know it would, on another hand, be beneficial to them for me to go away because I feel as though they see me as their crutch sometimes because I want them to excel and sometimes over-help them in order to accomplish that.
And then there's my friends... I miss them... but I don't have time to hang out with them or relax EVER.
 Maybe my issue is that I never have any downtime and try to finish everything and fill my days with activities and helping mom. I just feel so overloaded, so run down, and I know I need rest, I just never have the TIME to actually obtain any rest at all. It's a vicious cycle that's worn me down until now I just feel like a shell of myself throughout the day.
I see my friends and they're seemingly so carefree. I know that everyone has their issues and struggles, stresses and circumstances, and I know that I'm TOTES throwing myself a pity party, but I can't stop that feeling. I don't know how to work through it.

I had a really bad breakdown on my run the other day and my neighbor saw me, came pick me up, and we sat in her car and talked and prayed and cried together and I have never felt as much relief. Talking to those other people didn't do so much for me because I didn't want to tell them the full story, but sometimes there's one person you know you can trust, and that is Mrs. Kathleen.
So she and I have been meeting and working on a chore chart to set up at home since part of my anxiety is how overwhelmed I am with the amount of housework I have/want to take on so my mom doesn't have to. It's not the chore chart that's such a help so much as the fact that someone has taken the time to listen. To notice that behind the mask I work so hard to put up that I'm breaking on the inside. I think that this is really going to help me overcome these stresses and anxieties! I NEED IT TO! I am becoming such a frazzled, jumpy, shadow of my old self that other people are starting to notice. Self confidence? I've got about none right now. School work? I can't focus on it. I don't know how to really even function, I'm JUST SO WORN OUT and shaking internally all the time. I can't calm down, I don't feel rested in my sleep.
But after my talks with Mrs. Kathleen, I feel just a little bit better. I feel a little more of that anxiety go away. And I think that Im moving in the right direction with it all. I know these things take time to heal, and hopefully I can do it without any medication, but I trust that God will deliver his healing touch in my life. Now to just stop crying long enough to let it happen.