I'm doing it again

Ya know living that psycho life of no rest, no downtime, no spare moment to breathe or quickly write anything?? yeah I've caught myself starting to live it again. 

OHHH NOOOOO not goonna happen this time. 
I'm working myself back OUT of the bad habit/vicious cycle I started falling in.
Mental visualization in the works, people. 
I'm telling you, it's really effective, actually. 

This week's been a good busy. 
I've finally wrapped my head around everything I need to start getting done for colleges (just gotta start doing it now), mi mom situation has become MUCH more bearable (started doing yoga and morning prayer so maybe that's why;)) and generally I just feel better. More productive, more clear-headed, more like my life has a purpose behind it. I've been working on living more for others- taking the time to observe people, really pick up on how they seem to be reacting to whatever setting we're in and feeding off of that to interact with them. I sound like a creep writing it out like that, but that IS what has been goin down in the ole noggin'. 

I've been reflecting a lot, in prayer, conversation, and otherwise about cross country and athletics. It's weird how when 1 little random thought/commentary about something pops into your head one day the whole rest of the week you can't seem to let it go and that thought just fosters inside of you and grows into a much bigger entity.. 
Cross country has been going great....I remembered today WHY I do it. Because of how good it feels when practice is canceled!! I LOVE THUNDERSTORMS.
Kidding. That is only a part (kinda big part but don't tell Coach!) It's something I've done for the last what-feels-like a gajillion years of my life. I can't imagine myself without it.. 
I started losing the point of CC though. It's not to be THE BEST, win state every year, be that undefeated person, whatever. Some people might disagree with me. And if you confronted me about this (especially when I'm feeling fired up) I might deny it.. BUT THAT'S NOT WHY i'M HERE.
 Cross country has built an identity for me. It's enabled me to push the limits of my psyche in ways I couldn't have imagined, and each practice is a new discovery on that journey of just how much my body can take. Every single day I feel pushed to a new limit of exhaustion, breathlessness, repetitions, and every single day I manage to do one more. Cross country has given me more than an identity as an athlete. More than that of a leader. It's made me a fighter, a person who does not quit, no matter how awful/sore/tired/aching/out of breath I feel. I will not quit. 

And just like I won't quit on myself and my team on the course, I won't quit in life. 
I could have taken an easier course load senior year (and I kinda did..) but I didn't, because I've pushed myself to actually gain knowledge (just wait for that entry) all these 4 years and be challenged, why not persevere through one more?? 

But the more important thing I've learned, lived these last 9 years of competing, is that it's all about having fun. Pushing yourself to see what you're made of? HOW THRILLING! Goofing off with teammates who push you to be better than you think possible and see a different dimension of you than anyone else? HOW SPECIAL! Tapping into your inner reserves of emotion, subconscious urges,  and innermost feelings to accomplish a task? HOW FASCINATINGLY AWESOME! 
Just squeeled a little writing that. 
Because, ya know what? Thinking about cross country and the fun that we have at practice makes me get this little ball of excited joy in my stomach, and THAT is a gift from God. THAT JOY is the gift from God. It's not the talent or the ability- it's the joy that accompanies it. God's gifts to us are revealed not necessarily through our talents, but through what brings us joy and the ability to connect to share that joy with others. And that's what running does for me. 

What's yours???




***I apologize in advance and after writing this blogpost and for the ones that are to come. These posts have become literally my random thoughts as they come to me, so bear with meh if ya wanna, don't read it if ya don't. I need an outlet and as random as it is, this is what I've got to say.