it's coming

inching closer every day
stress, fear, chaos, nothingness in its wake
is the end of my life as I know it.

Cross country is almost over.

The air has grown cool and crisp,
with gentle breezes that chill and thrill
and soft sunshine that warms and delights and invites
people to laugh and be giddy.

Runners lace up their shoes, switch their shorts for tights
and grab their most awesome beanies and arm warmers
in preparation for some throat burning leg turning.

It's championship season.

I absolutely love this part of the year.
But right now, today, this year, I hate it.

All my life- well for half of it, actually.
I've been a runner.
I've run cross country, track, adventure races, 5ks, fun runs, trail runs, you name it, I've run it.
I eat, sleep, breathe, and think running. ALL THE TIME.
Even when I don't want it to affect something, it does, because as runner is who I've become.
Doing something for 9 years creates more than muscle memory- it creates a lifestyle,
a thought process
a sisterhood.
All of that is about to end for me.
18 days from today will be the last time I step up to run a cross country race as a member of a team.
The last time I push my body into exhaustion and oxygen deficit for my school.

What's going to happen when I'm done?
I'll take a WHOLE LOT more naps:)
And won't have to pee after every single class
and my calves will fit into boots
and my jeans will fit both my thighs AND waist AT THE SAME TIME (okay probably not..that's just wishful thinking)
But, what will I tell people I do? Cross country is my go-to thing.
I AM a cross country runner .
But will I always be one? Or will I have to say I WAS a cross country runner?
It feels like just yesterday I stepped foot onto the local soccer fields but headed to the side not the middle of the field for my first cross country practice.
I can remember to this day the first thing I said to my mom after that day of practice "I have never sweat so much in my life or hurt so badly. It was terrible... Can I go back tomorrow?"
And I've been going back ever since.
But pretty soon I'll have nothing to go back to-
only something to look back on.

WHO WILL I BE?!?!

I can think about that when the time comes.
I'm not going to worry about it anymore than the thoughts I just put down
Because I'm a cross country runner- not a has been, not a once was, yet.
I will be.
18 days
So I've gotta make the most of them.