I just don't get it

I really don't understand when I started changing, but ya know what? Shit happens. Even change. WE just have to live with it and take it with grace. I know that's much easier said than done, but it's the truth.

I used to be able to take change and run with it.And yeah, I still can to an extent...but I've realized that certain changes actually give me anxiety. They freak me out a little.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!
like maybe I need to have a drink, smoke a little weed or something (those guys always seem so mellow). Kidding, drugs are bad and unnecessary.

I used to never stress or get anxious about anything. ANYTHING. ever.
And I prided myself on it. Easygoing, go-with the flow, always up for anything...THAT WAS ME BABYY
and I DEFINITELY strive to still be that way.

But I have to be honest with myself.I had an anxiety attack today.
In my workout, I thought I was having an asthma attack: couldn't breath, seeing spots. airways really constricted, etc. But my stomach was extremely tight too and then I started feeling all emotional and my chest was really tightening up.
Got over that and finished the workout, no worse for the wear other than a little bruised pride.
Until I got home, told my mom what had happened, and all of a sudden couldn't get my breath and words out, my voice became husky and choked and my chest tightened up and I just felt really emotional and upset. It was the strangest thing. Thank goodness my mom was right there to see what was going on instead of me trying to (inadequately) explain to her what was going on.

And then she and I started talking, and she helped me realize that my "weird feelings in my stomach and uncharacteristic overflow of emotion" was an anxiety attack. And that (ironically) made me feel so much better. Then, I decided (okay my mom kinda told me because she's a mom) that I needed some sort of release. What better than this?! I've been trying to kinda edit my posts, keep them strictly adventurous, etcc almost story-like, but that's just not what I need this for. I need a way to release everything that's building up. I'm going to start yoga, and I already play piano and guitar, but words just have a way for me of making everything make sense.

I apologize in advance for weird events, bad writing, strange poetry, and anything that occurs after this point. Simultaneously, I take back that apology because everyone needs an outlet and this is mine.

So I've come to realize there are lots of things causing me anxiety. So I'm going to talk myself through all of them. Actually, really what I'm doing is throwing myself a pity party.

PROCEED TO READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. IT MIGHT NOT MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL.

I warned you.

Cross Country:
This is the first time in a few years that I've really not had any close friends/running buds on the team. The seniors who just graduated were my absolute best friends who I've been running with for the last 10 years of my life, so it's a bit of an adjustment and quite the undertaking to wrap my head around the fact that they're really done with running. They've closed a book that I'm still writing in, and it's hard to continue without them. It's not that I don't talk to the other girls on the team (what kinda senior would I be if I was so aloof like that..) it's just..................
I've come really close to quitting the team this year, just because of the other seniors who are on it now. We've never really connected, and I'm really trying hard, but I just feel left out or that they don't really want my input...apparently some of them hate me too because I run varsity. Cool. Makes me feel really welcome and accepted.

And then comes the guilt. Part of me feels guilty

• for having doubts about doing the team and not connecting well with them
• for doing the team instead of being present for my mom and science fair people
• for needing new running shoes and having to ask my parents for $ for team membership dues 
• for having this anxiety in the 1st place that's messing up my workouts

And I KNOW I shouldn't feel guilty. Running is my passion...I can't live without it. I love the sport, our coach, our team in general...ugh. I just don't know what's going on with me right now. I am just so conflicted about it constantly. Every practice... 

Colleges/THE FUTURE:

I seriously have no idea what I want to do with my life. 

I wanna be a mom. I want to help people in a job that has creativity, interaction with others, an active pace. Something that I can be successful and a leader in. Something that I can use my faith to influence others (even if in small ways). 

But hey I'd also like to end world hunger and poverty, starting small and local and working my way internationally with work....the problem is I have no money to do that. So I've gotta come up with a job that can help with it.

I just don't exactly know what that is. 

I thought about majoring in nutrition/dietitian or landscape architecture. 

Those fields are all creative based fields where I could go out on my own and take them in MANY directions. So I pretty much know it's a toss up between those two..

But then sometimes part of me wants to be a journalist and write..........

Then when it comes to GOING to a college...whole new ballgame!

I really would like to go out of state, but then again, I wanna stay close to home to see the siblings and watch them grow. 

But then again, to go out of state, I have to basically get a full ride, and I don't know HOW I'm gonna do that. Where there's a will, there's a way, the saying goes, but I'm gonna forget about the sayings and just trust God on this one. If I put in the work, he'll help me reap the rewards and guide me to where I'm meant to be. 

Those are just 2 things bothering me lately.... more later. It's WAY PAST my bedtime! Goodnight(:

It's time.

it's time to begin, isn't it?

I get a little bit bigger but then, I'll admit

I'm just the same as I was 

now don't you understand

that I'm never changing who I am

~Imagine Dragons

It's time to begin the beginning of the end for me.
Senior year.
HOLY SH!T I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S ALREADY HERE!!!!!
I feel like a freshman still.. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN??

There's so many things to do.. applications, parties, classes, scholarships, running, leading, working, being... Not gonna lie, it's been EXTREMELY overwhelming to THINK about. And the year hasn't started. Cool. Thanks, God. This is supposed to be the best year of my life, but right about now it's feeling like hands down, this is going to be my busiest year yet. There's never any downtime... or rather, there never should be.

BUT THIS YEAR
I'm also beginning a new thing.
Maybe you've heard of it.... it's called TIME MANAGEMENT AND ORGANIZATION.
Wow, I feel old already.
I'm gonna plan out my days, write down my assignments, deadlines, etcc ahead of time.
I'm buying one of those little desk calendars that sits on top of your desk and you can write on.
And I'm gonna write on it. Oh yes, this shall be good.

It's just a goal, of course...
Whether or not my vision of my extreme organization becomes 100% visualized is not the point.
I'm going to do my best, though, and by George, I know I'll succeed at least a little bit because I HAVE CON-FI-DENCE IN MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (I'm just really feelin' the music tonight..)

But, because of this organization, I'm DETERMINED not only to be organized and on top of my stuff, but to find appropriate time to rest, be present in my family, and just enjoy my year. To truly relax and forget about all the stresses. Because THAT'S more what senior year is about. Growing and discovering more about myself- talents, limits, quirks, and habits- and beginning to really form myself as a daughter for Christ and an active adult WHILE also having the time of my life with my crazy friends and these girls I've been blessed to spend 3 (soon to be 4) fabulous years.

I cannot wait for this new chapter to truly unfold.
This orientation tomorrow is step 1. So, Senior Year, ready or not, HERE I COME.

What a Weekend: Part 1

This past weekend saw me  living through QUITE a few adventures

Friday: LOLfest, an independent short comedy film festival that I went to with a couple of girl friends. The movies were hilarious and wildly inappropriate, the company was all older than us, but the atmosphere was foreign and excitingly refreshing and unlike anything I've ever experienced. I felt so cool being downtown..like I should have been wearing an all black ensemble to look extra edgy.. And then, cause we were adventurous? We decided to play a few pranks...but that's CLASSIFIED.

Saturday: all day, rain and shine, my siblings and I fought to the death (of our calves and shins) in gladiator ball, aka the best game ever, at our neighbors house. A post about gladiator ball will soon follow. But we played in the dusty, hot sun and then it started raining.... So we kept playing until the whole pit became a mud slop, so we just turned it into mud wrestling in the pourin rain until we felt good and covered in mud, and then we went swimming and skim boarding in a ditch by the neighbors house. SUCH an afternoon... Thinking about it, went straight to church with wet hair from the rain and haven't showered since then.................... Oops!

Sunday: family day. We had our usual family yard work-filled morning, and then went out to the intercostal canal on our ski boat for a bit of waterskiing and wake boarding. THAT was so much fun.,, I. Wasting tired to ski so I kneeboarded. Been working to learn some hardcore tricks on the kneeboard, just to be impressive, ya know? But I was a little over ambitious on one jump and came down REEEEEAALLY hard on my head and have a concussion. I am concussed. My brain experienced a mildly traumatic blow. Ouch. It hurts. Oh and did I mention that my ex came for a visit after we got home from the river? Wellll he did. Ill have to write a follow up post sometime.

Monday: weelll today I've been livin with the side effects of a concussion, basically a splitting headache and weird lack of focus, balance, and inability to fully think clearly. It's been really exciting. I did go babysit for a few hours and just did a lot of playing. There js CERTAINLY something to be praised when it comes to strict parenting... But a dear friend of mine got her wisdom teeth out so my best friend and I went visit her and then to dinner. We had the loveliest time catching up and planning some adventures for this week and summer until school starts! Can't wait!!!!

Part 2 to follow tomorrow. My brain hurts.

Into the wild

The girls trekked cautiously back to their campsite, holding their newly scavenged food, salivating at the thought of finally eating after the day's hard work. Fire built, logs collected, they commenced to the cooking at hand. With a sizzle and a pop and a flick of the wrist, the girls collectively cooked a scrumptious meal for 8 starving individuals (themselves) and sat victoriously around the fire of their creation.

In my back yard, in the suburban south.

So maybe we weren't quite in the wilderness. Maybe we cooked our food in a fire pit over a fire made with a mix of wood, charcoal, and newspaper. Maybe we weren't roughin' it (prepared our food in the AC, brought out the beach chairs to sit on, had pitchers of lemonade and real plates..) But we weren't exactly sticking to your mainstream delivery or oven-baked delicacy either.  And really, WHO'S COUNTIN?!

Circumstances aside, two days ago, my friends and I made one of the most delicious camp-foods known to man (and woman): THE PITA PIZZA.

This pizza is really an art. It must be prepared over a wood-burning (or charcoal is fine, too) fire place, outside, in a skillet. It does NOT taste quite the same if you bake it inside (pinky promise).  You must prepare it with butter (margarine is fine too) and use the WHOLE stick by the end of the preparation (unless you're preparing like 1 pizza, which is pathetic).

Here's our recipe (to feed 8)
2 6-pack of pitas (the kind that open up)
2 bags of mixed Italian cheeses**
1/2 lb mozzarella cheese (we ran out of our mixed pack AND the mozzarella is more in-line with the trail prep)**
2 cans tomato paste (Hunts)
1 large pack of pepperoni
1 stick of butter

**feel free to add more cheese. That's just a bare minimum that we scavenged from the fridges in my house, in reality we would have liked to have MUCH more cheese. Specifically, more mozzarella, but c'est la vie! Do whatcha want.**

materials:
skillet
spatula
plate/large rock/something to place finished pizzas on
can opener (if you're in a kitchen...if not, use the knife)
knife
guitar (and someone who can play and entertain while you're cooking, of course)

what to do: 
note- this preparation goes EXTREMELY quickly if it is performed as an assembly line and is really best shared with at least 1 other person
pre-prep:
prepare your fire and get it H.O.T.
Make sure someone is monitoring the fire while you're preparing the pitas (this is where your other person comes in)

step 1 (I'm using steps like Martha Stewart does, except I'm not cramming 10 steps into one. We'll take it step by step #realtalk)
Cut/break pitas in half and, using knife, slit them open into a pocket. DON'T CUT THE SIDES if you can help it. Place cut pitas into a pile.

step 2
Using knife or can opener, open up tomato paste and spread medium layer on 1 of the sides of the pita pocket (top or bottom...)

step 3
Place 4-6 pepperonis inside the pita, sticking them to the paste so they stay put.

step 4
sprinkle (or pile in, if you wish) the cheese (pronounced chez)

step 5
Using spatula, cut off a bit of butter (a nice sized pat, not quite a whole tablespoon) and place it to sizzle in the skillet. Spread it around and then place 2 of the pita pizzas on the skillet. Flip every so often until golden brown (but blackened still tastes good too!). Repeat with all of the pita pizzas.

step 6
Stop cooking and try not to enjoy them. I hope you fail.


Cooking those pizzas was the perfect summer evening- we cooked, we talked, we laughed, we played guitar, and we sang. And to top it off, of course, we roasted marshmallows until the moon was high and our eyes were shutting.

Life is good.

I HAD AN EPIPHANY

jUST NOW. and no one to share it with so here is my genius idea...

background: last year I heard about a project that involved leaving sticky notes, etc around places where people would see them and be inspired or touched or built up by the words that people had left for them. I just never started anything because I didn't know what to say or where to place the notes. 

So that idea has been floating around in my head. And I FINALLY have an idea.
I'm going to take our school address book and go through it this year and by the end of the year will have sent a letter to every girl in the school with an inspirational quote/poem/passage and a note telling them to pay it forward and send it. I'm not going to sign them or leave a return address because I don't want anyone to know it's me behind the letters, but I hope that people will open the letters and have a brightened day because of them. Who knows!? Maybe it'll start a chain!!

I'll also share my quotes and such on this blog so that any random lookers/readers can benefit from the project as well!

"Every day do something that will inch you closer to a better tomorrow." ~Doug Firebaugh

Say whaaaaaaaa....?

Think of something crazy that's on your bucket list. 

What is something you'd just LOVE to do??? Pool hopping anyone??

'Cause it was on mine and I checked that one off a few weeks ago while visiting a friend a few hours away. 

The night was late and the party we were at was basically just me, 3 girl friends of mine, including our hostess, and about 10 guys who were staying at the party host's house. So we, naturally, decided to go pool hopping in the neighborhood nearby. 

If you are unfamiliar, pool hopping involves climbing fences, violating all kinds of privacy, and climbing people's roofs to jump into the glistening mini bodies of water that dot many backyards in the suburban south.

 IT WAS THE MOST EXHILARATING EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE. 

There is just nothing like the feeling of tasting forbidden fruit as your body soars through the air and splashes crisply on the surface of a dark pool at 2 AM. Soaked clothes are really fun to climb in, too. 

There's only so many chances you'll get to do something completely crazy, so why not take em? 

....oops

So maybe in doing a 365 project i set myself up for failure... yep, probably so.
Knowing myself, WHAT WAS I THINKING STARTING A PROJECT LIKE THAT IN THE BEGINNING OF SUMMER?!?!
this project is halted. kaput. but I'm going to keep writing and save a project (like a 180 or something like that) for a time when procrastination and wasting time online is time well spent...like when school starts...